The Neil Patrick Harris of the Senior Circuit

The folks at Bugs & Cranks are pretty bored these days so they decided to imagine each baseball franchise as if it was a high school character (or more like a made-for-TV character).

What do they say about our Fish?

The Marlins are almost Doogie Howser. He was smart enough to start high school at ten years old, but the results have been spotty. Freshman and junior year, he’s was at the top of the class. Sophomore and senior years, he was practically in remedial ed. It seems like skipping ahead was mostly the right choice, but all the teachers private wonder what the hell’s up with his parents.

This high schooler is on his third set of parents. The first was a wealthy father who used his kid to squeeze as much benefit from him until he won the parent of the year award. When he had enough, he took away all the kids possessions, cut his allowance, and forced him to pay the highest rent he can think of. The next adoptive parent talked about how much he loved his child and how much he would invest in his future. Of course, he was eying a better child and as soon as that child was available, he swapped. The current parents seem to love and care for the kid. They have limited means and are trying to get by with the best that they can offer. Occasionally they had to cut off electricity or skip an allowance payment just to get by. To their credit, they’ve hired a great nanny to make sure the child reaches its highest potential.

As for college? this kid is waiting to see where he goes. He is graduating from high school in 2010 and his safety school, a large unused decaying public facility in the middle of a neighborhood, is still reviewing his application but he has his eyes on a large new shiny place in the heart of downtown. If that all falls through, he’s being heavily recruited by out of state institutions in Las Vegas, Portland, and Charlotte.

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